Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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