A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I smell stomach acid.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
