Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
