Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
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He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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