At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If I had your ass I would rule the world
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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