why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
