well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
