Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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