Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
