I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
