I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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