i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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