my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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