Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
