Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
