I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
