you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
