Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Randomize
