More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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