I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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