I wish I could punch you in the face.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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