Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
