Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
