my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
