so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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