I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
