Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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