How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
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Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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