ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
