i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
