I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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