Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
