I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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