you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
