life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
