i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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