My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
