Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
