So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
