she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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