we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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