I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
