My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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