It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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