I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
