The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
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And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
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I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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