she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you had me at cake vodka
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I smell like Dick and happiness
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
