I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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