...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
