I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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