Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
