We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
