Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
