all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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