We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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