I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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