At least make sure they are 18
Why
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
