and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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